


The PERI-cast

by realfakedoors



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Implied Relationships, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Podcast, What am I doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-06 13:10:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors
Summary: The Gems encourage Peridot to start The PERI-cast (Protecting Earth with Radiowave Interchanges), a new podcast where she discusses meep-morps, agriculture, humanity, engineering, and anything else.





	1. Episode One: Meep-Morping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this pilot episode, Peridot discusses the show's concept and very little about meep-morps.

Peridot cleared her throat, which was an odd sensation for sure. She didn’t really get why Steven insisted on it before speaking on something important, but he seemed confident it would help. He sent her a wink from across the couch and Garnet gave a thumbs up.

They were gathered around the living room table in Steven’s home, three microphones positioned around the table. Amethyst and Pearl had pulled up chairs and sat across from the longer part of the couch, which was occupied by Garnet and Steven. The green gem settled on the shorter end of the couch, primarily so she could see everyone and gauge reactions as things played out.

It definitely, _definitely_ , had nothing to do with the fact that it was the only seat that would ensure her back was towards the ocean, so she might not be reminded of the blue seas.

She leaned forward and spoke into the microphone. “Welcome to the PERI-cast! This is a new - ”

“Wait,” Amethyst interrupted her, adjusting her own headphones and pulling on her microphone. "I thought you were going with the PDOT-Cast?”

Pearl cleared her throat now, and moved the mic she shared with the purple gem back between them. “ _No_ , Amethyst. This is why we had the pre-recording meeting. Iron out details.”

“Well, it’s not my fault your meeting was boring.” Amethyst slouched back in her chair and kicked up her legs.

“We can cut this out, right?” Peridot shot a glance at Steven, and he shrugged.

“Sure, if you want to. Although some people like to listen to this sort of thing.”

She wrinkled her nose, voice serious. “Why would anyone _like_ that?”

“For the same reason they would like the show in the first place, I guess? If they like what we have to say, maybe they’d want to hear this stuff too.”

Peridot frowned, but cleared her throat again.

“Well, okay - welcome to the first PERI _-_ cast! This is your host, Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5”

“Wait, are we really not going to clear up why we changed the name?” Amethyst stopped her again, and the green gem groaned.

“Amethyst,” Garnet leaned low to speak into the microphone. “You should have paid more attention earlier. Let Peridot do her introduction properly.”

Peridot jumped in when it looked like the purple gem might start yelling.

Annoyed, she said, “No, no, it’s fine. Maybe it’ll be good for the listeners, like Steven suggested?” He gave her an encouraging nod, so she smiled and directed her attention to Amethyst.

“Okay, Amethyst. Here’s the deal. I was going to do the PDOT-cast, but the logic was flawed, even if it was an objectively better name. In crafting a name in compliance with an acronym naming convention, PERI-cast was superior to PDOT-cast.”

Amethyst rolled her eyes. “So… just to be clear...The _Protecting Earth with Radiowave Interchange_ , makes more sense to you than the _Podcasting Discussions of the Times_?”

Cupping his cheeks, Steven practically cooed. “Aww, Amethyst, you _were_ paying attention!”

Peridot glowered in the purple gem’s direction, ignoring Steven’s comment. “Yes! ‘Podcasting ‘ isn’t a real word. It’s just turning a nebulous concept into a verb because it’s convenient, and I feel that would cheapen what we’re doing here.” She crossed her arms, and in typical Peridot fashion, continued when it might have been best to just leave well enough alone.

“Besides, it’s not like you all are the most trusted advisers in naming. A name like the _Crystal_ Gems doesn’t even make sense. It’s not like any of us even belong to the mineral class of 'crystal.'”

Snatching the microphone from Amethyst, Pearl’s nostrils were flaring. “Hey, now. I’ll have you know _Rose_ picked the name because…”

Garnet shifted her weight on the couch and took over Steven’s mic. “It is a fair point, Pearl.”

“W-what?” Pearl looked aghast. “Garnet, but you were practically there when we came up with the name!”

Steven bounced up and down, surprised by this sudden turn in conversation. He crawled into Garnet’s lap so the microphone was right in front of his face.

“Oh, oh, oh. History lesson! This is perfect material for Peri, guys. Why are we called the _Crystal Gems_?”

Deflating into the cushion, Peridot all but collapsed backwards. “Ugh… this isn’t working. I have topic cards! I wrote them this morning with Pumpkin. And we haven’t even done introductions!”

After a brief pause, Pearl smiled and placed a hand on her shoulder. “We’re sorry, Peridot. Why don’t we start over? Introductions sound like a good idea.”

Amethyst crossed her arms and looked at the ceiling. “Yeah, P’s right.”

The little green gem raised her head and a slow smile formed, and when her expression was returned across the table, she gathered herself and cleared her throat.

“Okay, okay… Welcome to the PERI-cast! This is…”

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Episode One: Meep-Morping**

**In this pilot episode, I'll be discussing the show's concept and the making of meep-morps. My guests today feature Steven Universe, Garnet, the permafusion of Sapphire and Ruby, Pearl, who belongs to nobody, and Amethyst, one of my best friends. Below, I've included a transcript of today's episode. Thanks for checking us out!**

 

PDot: “This is Peridot, the host of PERI-cast, a new podcast. Today’s episode is about... about… ah, here we go. It’s about meep morps - oh, this is going to be great! And we have a full cast here today - all of the members - er, sorry, all of the _living_ members of the Crystal Gems! There are lots of us that are dead.”

A long pause, followed by a roaring bout of laughter. It sounded almost like a hyena.

A:  “AHAHAH, good one, Peri. This is ya girl A, representin’!”

PL:  “That’s… not an introdu... Er, anyways! Yes, ahem, this is Pearl, founding member of the Crystal Gems and long-time defender of this planet. Hello everyone!”

G:  “This is Garnet.”

There was a slight rustling sound, followed by a giggle.

(In unison) A, PL & S: “... _Back together_!”

PDot: “... _What_?”

S:  “Nevermind. Anyways, hi everybody! This is Steven, Steven Universe - hope you’re having a great day!  Thanks for listening to Peridot’s new podcast. I wanted to give a shout-out to Connie - she’s a Crystal Gem, too, but she’s at school right now.”

PDot:  “Oh, my mistake… no, wait, Connie can just be in next week’s episode. We’re cutting that!”

S:  “Aw no don’t cut it! You said all the Crystal Gems were here and that’s not true, so I was ‘fact-checking’ you.”

PDot  “Fact checking?”

S:  “Um, yeah, it’s a slang term. It sort of means, making sure we’re being honest. As in, ‘checking our facts against what is real?’”

PDot:  “Oh, uh, okay then. So before we start let’s do a little background, shall we? Why don’t you explain, Steven?”

S: “Oh, me? Um, sure. Okay… so Connie recommended a few podcasts for Peridot to listen to on her tablet, and you’ve liked a lot of them so far, right?”

PDot  “Yes, definitely. It’s been a really good way to learn about culture, and there’s one about crop yields that’s been excellent for Pumpkin’s health.”

S:  “... Er, okay then. So the long-story short is that Peridot here wanted to try to make her own about what her life has been like on Earth. So we helped get some mics and stuff - special thanks to Sour Cream for getting us in touch with the right people.”

PDot:  “The pale child with the glow sticks? Was that his name?”

A:  “Yeah, it’s Vidalia’s older kid. He’s sweet. The younger one is…”

S:  “He’s… _peculiar_. Anyways, so I’m not like an official host or anything, but Peridot will mostly be recording at my house so if you have any questions about it I can help you all get in touch!”

PDot:  “Thank you, Steven. Yes - I will try to do these once a week, and we’re going to talk to lots of people from around Beach City. It’ll be fun! Oh, and, The Garnet has kindly agreed to do a little ‘preview’ of next week’s episode on any episode she’s featured. Future vision adds to the production quality!”

A: “Wait, that’s not cool, Garnet. I asked you what the horse track results are going to be next week and you wouldn’t tell _me_.”

G:  “...”

S:  “Wait, where is there even a horse track around here?”

PL:  “Peridot, does that finish your introductions? Or is there anything else?”

PDot:  “Uhh… oh yeah. I guess the last thing I wanted to mention is just, ahem, please like and subscribe to my channel on uTunes! And if you like & comment suggestions, I’ll try to add those to the show best I can. So let’s get started!

A:  “Alright P-dot, hit us with a topic. What’chu got?”

PDot: “I don’t… uhh, so meep morps. Well my personal favorite type of mee --”

PL:  “Um, Peridot, it might be helpful to explain to the listeners what a _meep morp_ is. That’s not a term used on Earth.”

PDot : “That’s not true, Pearl! Fact check! It is a term used on Earth because _I_ use it. Lapis did, too.”

There was an uncomfortable pause.

S:  “Anyyyyways, ‘meep morps’ are like art, right, Peridot? You take stuff that doesn’t have much meaning and change it to something else, something that you like?”

PDot  “That’s right. Well, mostly right. I usually use stuff I find around and change it to be something new, something that feels special.... I don’t necessarily have to like it, though.”

A:  “Geez, Peri, that’s a real buzz-kill thing to say.”

PDot:  “What? How so?”

PL:  “I think what Amethyst _means_ to say, is that, she’s surprised you don’t feel good about making, er, _meep morps_. We thought it was something you did for fun.”

PDot:  “Oh. Fun? That’s not quite right, although I do follow your logic. It’s more that I like being able to work with my touch stumps - my hands. It keeps me busy since there’s not a lot to do. That’s what’s nice about it - sometimes the stuff I make is even worse than it started as, but it was nice to have a project.”

S: “Aww, Peridot! That’s really sweet. I’m glad you like keeping busy. I get bored with stuff really quickly and feel like I don’t follow-through. Like there’s this thing I’ve been working on that’s a crossover of _Dogcopter_ and _Golf Quest_ and I’ve been… you know what, nevermind.”

G: “... Tell us about your process, Peridot.”

A:  “Yeah P-dot, I’m actually sorta curious. I collect lots of junk but I like it the way it is. How do you, like, I dunno… decide a microwave and a toilet would be art together?”

PDot:  “Hmm… I haven’t thought about that before, actually.”

PL: “Peridot - if I may? Amethyst, if you think about it this way - when you want something to eat, how you choose?”

A:  “Well I just look around the kitchen and think of what would taste right together, like that mustard-crossiant-dough-burrito was amazing yesterday. Mmm…”

PL: “I’m no artist, but I imagine it’s something like that for you, Peridot? Things just seem right together to you, even if someone else doesn’t see it that way.”

PDot:  “... Actually, that was very well said, Pearl. I’m impressed.”

A: “Dude, P. That like… blew my mind.”

S: “W-wait, Amethyst, where are you --?”

Steven was interrupted by a loud crackling, along with a bristling cacophony of noise and static.

(Distant): “What? I’m hungry now - I’m just over here, go ahead and I’ll just yell over.”

PL:  “Amethyst! That’s not very considerate.”

PDot:  “It’s okay! Let’s just get back on subject, shall we? So… I talked about meep morps, and… oh. I guess that’s all I’ve got.”

S:  “But I thought you said you had topic cards?”

PDot:  “Well, I do, but I didn’t write anything on them.”

PL: “Those would just be... blank cards, then.”

PDot:  “Well… it took me half an hour to think of a topic, okay! I figured it would take us at least as long to talk about it.”

(Distant): “AHAHAHA!”

S:  “Umm… well that’s okay! Before we were talking about the history of the Crystal Gems a little bit, why don’t we go back to that?”

PDot: “Mmmmm… okayfine. Right, listeners - here’s the deal. We were discussing the Crystal Gems and their origins. I, the wise and observant Peridot, current leader of the Crystal Gems…”

PL, quietly:  “Ahem, _not-leader,_ ahem. _”_

PDot:  “Did you say something?”

G:  “She didn’t. Go on, Peridot.”

PDot: “So, I made a comment earlier about how I am not of a Mineral Class designated to be ‘Crystal’ at all. None of us are - not Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, or Steven.”

G:  “Nope, definitely not made of Crystal.”

S:  “Hehe - hey! For the record, Garnet just poked my nose - hehe.”

PDot:  “Right… anyways… So, Pearl, since you’ve been on Earth the longest, why don’t you tell us about where the name came from?”

PL:  “Thank you, Peridot. Yes… let’s see. It was about 5,500 years ago, now. How time flies!”

(Distant): “...Get to the point P, people … fall asleep.”

PL:  “Anyways, yes. Steven’s mother, Rose Quartz, leader of the rebellion against Homeworld. She and I came up with the name, although it was really mostly Rose. I remember we were just a few miles east of the Lunar Sea Spire.”

S:  “Oooh, I remember that place. It was pretty!”

PL:  “Yes, Steven, it was a great monument.”

PDot:  “You guys haven’t told me about this place. I assume it’s a traditional spire?”

PL:  “Yes, it’s much like those across all Gem colonies, and … when… up,”

Her speech was disjointed for a moment, cut through by a static crinkling.

A:  “Ayye-yo, whaddup. I’m back. What’d I miss?”

G:  “We were discussing the Lunar Sea Spire.”

A:  “Oh, you mean the one that we used for Steven’s test? The one at the bottom of the ocean?”

PL:  “Yes.”

PDot:  “Wait, why is it at the bottom of the ocean? I want to hear this.”

S:  “... _Nolet’sgetbacktothestory_! Go on Pearl. Crystal Gems - naming it with Mom, right?”

PL:  “Umm… yes, okay. Right. Rose came up with the name - we used to just be called The Rebels.

PDot:  “Hmm, see now that sounds familiar. Most Homeworld records refer to you that way.

A:  “Guess that explains why you were like ‘HUH’ when we first crossed paths?”

S:  “You were all like, ‘Oooooh, I’m reporting this’!”

A:  “And then we broke all your stuff. Ahhh, good times.”

PDot:  “...Yes, I remember. No need to remind me. Continue, Pearl.”

PL:  “Sure. So, the ‘Gems’ part was pretty obvious. The ‘Crystal’ part was supposed to be a claim by Rose that this was our home now. By Homeworld’s categorization, the star system that contains Earth was referred to as the Crystal System. So we are the Crystal Gems, not the Homeworld Gems. It was... ”

PDot:  “...Oh.”

PL: “Something wrong?”

PDot:  “...Uh, no. No. Nope.”

G:  “ _Peridot._ ”

PDot:  “Well… yes, I guess! I figured there was some grand reason for it, but that seems… uh, how do I put it… didn’t you just take a name _given by_ Homeworld to this planet? That’s sort of like complying with their whole system. That’s like, me continuing to go by XG5, just because Homeworld assigned me that name. Some rebels you are.”

A:  “Oooooh, dis from p.dotcom! Forward slash _pearl_got_burned!_

S:  “Aw, that’s mean Amethyst.”

PL:  “It’s okay, Steven. Actually, I was going to address that. That was my one small complaint when Rose came up with the name - I didn’t want to give Homeworld the satisfaction, you could say. But Rose had a point… it’s… it’s hard to explain.”

A:  “That’s sort of a lame way to end the story, P.”

S:  “Garnet?”

G:  “Mmm… well, I joined later than Pearl. When Rose explained it to me, she said, ‘It’s only their term if we let it. If we take it, mold it, and make it our own, then it’s our word, our world, our home.’”

PDot:  “Huh… Not bad. I guess I get it. Still, I think if you really wanted to teach Homeworld a lesson, you would call yourself… uh… the _AntiHomeworld Gems_ or something.”

A: “Well, that’s Rose for you. She makes you think about things, I guess.”

S:  “... Huh, so Mom was going for the subtle thing. But, I get it from Peridot’s perspective, too. She _is_ the only Crystal Gem to ever call a Diamond a clod, to their face.”

PL:  “...That’s what you think.”

A:   “ _WHAT?_ ”

PL:  “Kidding! I’m kiddding! It was a joke.”

S:  “Wasn’t this supposed to be about meep morps?”

PDot:  “I’ll probably cut all of this, now that you reminded me. Thanks, Steven!”

S:  “Err… that’s not what I meant.”

PDot: “We should probably do out ‘signing-off’ thing. How should we do that?”

A:  “We could drop a sick beat to wrap things up. I mean, I don’t want to gloat or anything, but we’re pretty good at coming up with rhyming lyrics, harmonies, and catchy melodies out of literal nothing most of the time.”

PL:  “... Or we could just say our names and goodbye?”

S:  “Doesn’t Garnet need to do her ‘next-week-prediction’?”

PDot:  “Oh! Thanks, Steven. Yes - Garnet, do you mind?”

G:  “Mmm… Alright. Next week, Peridot will feature more humans.”

S:  “Ooooh, who? I bet Connie will be there. Maybe she can ask PeeDee and Jeff to come, too.”

PDot: “ _Who_?”

S:  “Uh, nevermind.”

A:  “Can we, like, wrap this up? I told Greg I would meet him for pizza, like, twenty minutes ago.”

PL:  “ _Amethyst!_ ”

S:  “Oh, oh, can I come?”

G:  “Don’t worry, Greg forgot.”

A:  “Lame.”

PDot: “OOOOoooookay. Let’s sign off. This is Peridot, host of the PERI-cast, saluting you and yours!”

S:  “Bye, everybody! Love you and thanks for listening!”

A:  “Peace out, everybody.”

PL: “Goodbye.”

G: “...”

PDot: “Uhh, okay. We're done now.”

 

* * *

 

“Phew,” Peridot took off her headset and sat back again, throwing an arm over her eyes. She had finally finished editing everything, and once the audio finished uploading, it would be time to post.

“The people on ‘My Sister, My Sister and I’ and ‘Things You Really Don’t Need to Know’ make it sound so easy. Was it bad?” She asked, looking around at her fellow Crystal Gems with small, shaking hands. They were gathered around the kitchen counter, and all of them were smiling and laughing at all the right moments. A tiny part of her wondered if they were just humoring her, but it was hard to know.

Steven, seated beside her at the counter, looked at her slack jawed. He raised a hand from the surface and held it out to her, fingers spread. “It was awesome, Peridot! And don’t worry, these things always take a few episodes to get going. Once you get some more people in here, I’m sure it’ll only get better! I think Connie would be a great guest, and there’s lots of people in Beach City who would like to be on the show.”

She smacked his hand, accepting the high-five, but looked down into her lap, avoiding the eyes of the others. “R-really?”

“Steven’s right, P-Dot,” Amethyst was seated on the counter besides Peridot’s borrowed laptop, legs dangling over the side. “I heard Sour Cream and his friends talking about it when I was at the boardwalk today. Everyone is really hyped about this.”

The green gem made a face, not entirely familiar with Amethyst’s modern slang, but her attention was quickly taken by Pearl.

“Well, coming from someone who has been here for thousands of years, I can say I've never heard of such a creative concept. I'm impressed.”

A little warm in the face, Peridot nodded in gratitude, and Garnet moved around the counter and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“You’ve done very well, Peridot. We’re all proud of you.”

She smiled weakly at them, thankful for the encouragement, and guided her mouse to the “submit” button.

 


	2. Music: The Other Meep-Morp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the second episode, Peridot discusses a bit of her favorite meep-morps: music... along with memories, Earth etiquette, Camp Pining Hearts, and ends the show with a promise.

“Why do you do that?” Peridot asked, watching Steven turn off the kitchen sink and dry his hands.

“Do what?” Steven countered, curious.

The gem bit her lower lip and eyed the faucet, using Steven’s stool at the counter to adjust the “hot” and “cold” dials herself. To her back, Steven moved a small plate of sandwiches (meticulously prepared by Pearl) for their guests to the living room table.

With a terrible French accent, (“ _A la peanut buueter and la jeallay is al la served.”)_ he placed the tray down for Sadie and Connie, all while Peridot bodily interrogated the sink.

“Why do you sometimes use the water on just your hands? Is a, uh, ‘shower’ not sufficient?” She let the tepid liquid run over her own fingers, wondering what secrets might be contained within.

Pearl, who was not going to join them for this week’s recording, was standing beside the couch, watching the scene with mild curiosity.

“Oh, Peridot, it’s just a good habit. Humans don’t _need_ to wash their hands whenever they touch food - but, you know, since Steven is sharing, he was trying not to spread germs to the food.”

“Germs? Like germination?”

Steven came to the counter and led Peridot down from the stool and over to the couch, since they were all waiting on her.

From the longer part of the couch, Connie explained. “No, it’s like, germs that are little microscopic things that grow and make you sick. If Steven or I coughed on the sandwiches, it might make Sadie sick.”

At that moment, the donut-clerk-turned-singer stopped chewing mid-bite and set the sandwich down in her lap

“You know, I’m not really hungry anymore.”

Connie laughed awkwardly, now unsure if she should stop eating her own sandwich to be polite. Maybe that wasn’t the best example.

“Hmm,” the green engineer rubbed her chin and picked up one of the sandwiches, cut into triangles. “This consumable looks acceptable.”

Steven laughed and sat down besides Connie. “You can have one if you want, but only Amethyst really likes to eat.” There was a pause as the gem seriously considered the offer, adjusting the sandwich in her hand to admire it from different angles.

A silence fell in the living room as they watched, the gem really preferring to play with the sandwich rather than eating it. Pearl rolled her eyes while tidying up the kitchen, and so Steven interrupted the examination.

“Shouldn’t we get started, Peridot? Sadie and I have band practice in an hour...”

“Affirmative,” Peridot replied, though she sported a frown. She took the sandwich as she moved to the short end of the couch. “Let me just get my equipment prepared...”

She hopped back onto the cushions, adjusting her microphone and securing her new headphones over her angular hair. Connie had gifted her the pair to celebrate her first week’s success, and Amethyst had helped her pick out some little green aliens stickers to put on the outer headpiece.

“Aww, Peridot! Cuuuuuute!” Steven sat cross-legged on the couch, mouth full of food. Pearl chided him with a look, but said nothing else and started to move towards her Temple room to give them privacy.

The green gem grumbled slightly. “ _Don’t_ call me that...”

Sadie leaned forward and gave a strained smile to Peridot, who continued to fiddle with the microphone.

“So, do we just start talking?”

“Quiet, er, _please?_ I shall tell you when we start recording, and then we do introductions!”

Steven gave Sadie a guilty shrug, mouthing _I’m sorry_ , but she didn’t seem to mind.

Whispering to Connie, Sadie slyly commented. “That’s nothing compared to working with Lars everyday…”

The girls giggled lightly, and Peridot shot them an annoyed glance. After unnecessarily fixing her bow tie, she gave them all a Garnet Thumbs-Up™ , and switched on the microphones.

 

* * *

 

 

**Episode Two: Music: The Other Meep-Morp**

****In our second episode, I'll be discussing another of my favorite meep-morps: music! Thanks for checking us out!** Today I am joined by Steven Universe, Connie Maheshwaran, skilled sword fighter and only fully-human Crystal Gem, and Sadie Killer, a local singer. And a surprise guest. Also, I wanted to express my gratitude to all who tuned in last week: wow, thanks! **

**Find the transcript of today’s episode below.**

 

PDot: Okay, we are on. If everyone could introduce themselves - I shall start. Greetings, Earth-listeners! This is episode two of the PERI-cast, and I it is I, your lovable host, Peridot. Today I have some new and exciting topics to discuss, but let me introduce you to my guests. One of you - go.

A green finger points towards Connie and Sadie, who look at each other nervously and simultaneously leaned forward.

 

Sad & C (simultaneous): Hi - _oh_ , um...

Sad: Sorry, you go.

C: No, you go ahead, it was my... 

Sad & C (simultaneous): Okay, hi...

PDot: _Again?_ Gah.

S: Okay hi everybody! It’s Steven, back two weeks in a row. So yay!

PDot: Good, yes. Steven is here, along with Connie May-ese-warin. Did I say that right?

C: ...Sure, that’s fine.

PDot: Excellent! Connie is a human, swordfighter, and Steven’s second best friend.

(Silently) C: _Second best?_

Steven shrugged in her direction, but Peridot did not break her stride.

 

PDot: And this other human, is um… what is your name again?

C: Oh god.

S: Heh, uh, you didn’t write it down earlier when I told you?

PDot: No. It didn’t seem important.

Connie and Steven both looked at Sadie, tight-lipped, but said nothing. Her eyes were baggy, but she was smiling.

 

Sad: That’s...fine. I’m Sadie Miller. I am the lead singer for, well, I guess we’re called _Sadie Killer and the Suspects_. Steven’s really the mastermind behind the band, though. Along with Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck.

PDot (looking at her notes): That’s... interesting! Now I will….‘thank guest with enthusiasm.’

There was an awkward pause as Peridot read directly from her notes, but after a pause she dropped her cards, and it appeared that realized the faux pas after a moment. She didn’t, however, more preoccupied with a particular detail.

 

PDot: Wait, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you a murderer?

C: She’s talking about _music_ , Peridot. Her band? Those are the people she plays music with.

Sad: Yeah, I just started singing about my job, and my frustrations and stuff one day with Steven, Jenny, Buck and Sour Cream. They all had instruments sitting out and we just sorta… _blah_ ’d sound until it came together.

PDot: Oooooooh! My apologies. That makes more sense…. And judging by the name, you must be running from the law. I know a thing or two about that myself. So, just to be clear, how many people have you killed?

Sad: (laughs) No, it’s not like that. I haven’t killed anyone, Buck just came up with the name.

S: Yeah, the band has sort of an “undead” theme, if that makes sense?

PDot: Undead?

Connie: (clears throat) Yes, undead. That’s an Earth term, sort of like… You have the physical properties of not being alive - so your heart doesn’t beat, or your brain doesn’t work, but your body is still somehow animated. Does that make sense?

PDot: Um… yes, I think so. But isn’t this like that other friend of yours? His name was… uh, Lard? Larry?

Steven’s eyes went wide in realization, but he hadn’t reacted quick enough.

 

Sad: Oh. You mean Lars.

There was a tense pause, Connie and Steven both staring at Sadie. They didn’t expect her to burst out laughing, but were massively relieved when she did.

 

PDot: Yes… I suppose it is funny. The name is strange, even for a human.

Connie: (audible sigh) No, Peridot.

Sad: Nah, it’s really okay. I think it’s good to talk about - especially now that we know Lars is on his way back. It’s really thanks to you guys, for going out there to make sure he was safe. Thanks again.

S: (flustered) Oh, um, n-no problem. Lars is our friend, too. Maybe we should… stick to the topic? Peridot?

PDot: Oh, right. Uh… undead stuff… right! Right, your ‘band’. Steven recommended you both, Sadie Killer, and Connie May-esh-warin… because he said he’s played music with each of you and thought you had… (checks a note-card) ‘different but interesting musical experiences.’ Tell me about that.

Sadie and Connie exchange a glance, gesturing between each other and mouthing “ _You go,” “Oh, um, no you.” “I’ll… go, er - yes, me.”_

 

C: Er...sure. Okay. I play violin, I’ve taken private lessons for years. It’s a string instrument.

PDot: Strings… like, Steven’s ukulele?

S: Exactly! But it sounds really different. It’s sweet that you remembered, Peridot.

PDot: Gems have perfect recall, you know. 

S: Oh. That’s… less sweet, but still sorta sweet!

C: ...Didn’t you _just_ forget Lars’ name?

PDot: Okay, moving on - so you play ‘violin’, Connie. Do you… ‘like and/or enjoy it?’

C: Mmm, yeah, I do. I’ll admit though, it can be tedious, but it’s a nice hobby. I do sometimes wish I could play some more interesting instruments that just sort of… ‘make’ sound, if that makes sense? Like a piano. Violin takes a lot of precision and technique, so even if it’s fun, it’s sort of hard.

S: I didn’t know you wanted to learn piano. I could teach you!

C: Oh, really? That sounds like it could be fun. Maybe I’ll take you up on that.

Sad: Hmm... I never thought instruments like it like that, with the technique. My --

There was a scratching sound that scrambled Sadie’s voice like an well-prepared breakfast, and after a moment Steven chimed in with a rush.

 

S: Oh, sorry-sorry! Just a sec. The mail just got here.

(Distant): Hi… oh, … and… yes… adie?

Sad: Hey, Jamie.

PDot: I didn’t think we were expecting another guest? Now we have to start over…

C: No, Peridot - that’s Jamie, the mailman.

PDot: Then how do you…?

Sad: My mom and Jamie work together.

(Distant): ...ure. But why… mmm.

There was a brief pause, followed by the shuffling of Steven’s microphone as he readjusted it along the table. Much to their collective surprise, Jamie had followed him into the house and accepted one of Steven’s earbuds.

 

J: Testing, testing - 1, 2, 3!

PDot: Who are you?

C: Peridot, I literally _just_ told you that’s Jamie.

J: Hi. 

PDot: _I know that!_ I was trying to practice my Earth etiquette, but what I meant to say is, _why-are-you-here-and-you-are-interrupting-my-recording._

S: Jamie said he wants to be in on the podcast! Is that OK Peridot? Sorry it just sorta happened.

PDot: Uhh… well, I…

J: Steven said it was about music? I know a thing or two about that. Besides, I’m running early on my delivery route - I can afford some extra time.

Sad: I didn’t know you were musical.

PDot: … well… I suppose. Let’s just, get back to it I guess. I’ll edit in your introduction. So… introduce yourself. Go.

J: Oh, uh, sure. I’m Jamie. Most people in Beach City know me as the mailman, but to the world at large? I am _Jamie, Dramaturg and Thespian Extraordinaire._

PDot: ...Thespian? I thought… wait… They have those in Camp Pining Hearts, but I thought only, Earth women were… thespians…

Sad: (covers mouth to muffle laughter) 

C: (quietly) _Oh god._

S: (aloof) No, anyone can be a thespian. It means they like to act in plays and stuff, right, Jamie?

J: Yep! But when I was in Kansas, I learned a few things about the music game. Really, to be a successful actor, you need to be a triple-threat: acting, dancing, _and_ singing.

PDot: So you’re a singer?

J: Uhh… not really. But I do dance, so that helps.

PDot: But you can’t fuse, correct?

J: Fuse?

C: No, Peridot. Steven is the only human who can fuse.

PDot: Half-human.

S: Right. 

Sad: I’m… a little confused. What were we talking about?

C: Oh, right, um… I was talking about violin. And you were starting to say something, but I don’t remember what… sorry.

Sad: Mmm… that’s okay. I’ll say it if it comes back to me. 

PDot: Right. Let’s see… so, human listeners, we have a question for you this week - if you want to reply to the PERI-cast with comments, feel free to answer this question. 

S: (quietly) _Peridot, why don’t you let a guest read it?_

PDot: Oh - that’s, okay. Good idea. Wow, thanks.

J: Oh, me? Okay. Um… (clears throat, reads note card): ‘What is your favorite form of human entertainment? Mine is…’ er, wait, this is your answer. Should I…?

PDot: Just read it!

J: Mmm, okay! ‘Mine is television; specifically, Camp Pining Hearts. But lately I have enjoyed the comic series _The No Home Boys_. Steven introduced it to me.” I never could get into those.

C: Really? I didn’t know you liked to read, Peridot.

PDot: Oh yes. Those short stories in particular feel very familiar.

Sad: Since you’re not on, uh, _Homeworld_ anymore? (awkward chuckle)

PDot: What? Oh, no. My barn was recently extracted from the planet, and it had all of my possessions. I only still have my tablet, my bowtie, and these headphones.

J: ...To be fair, it’s a very nice bowtie.

Sad: Sorry, I didn’t mean to… if it’s any consolation, I guess I can relate. I miss Lars, and I worry about him all the time. It’s not like my house is gone on top of that, but I can imagine that’s hard. I felt like my whole life was flipped upside down when he left.

PDot: Hmm, I’m impressed. Yes, that is similar to how this feels. I miss my… _belongings,_ as well. They were sometimes hard to understand, but they made me feel less alone. 

S: ...Um, Peridot, are you okay?

PDot: Of course! Just reminiscing on my hammock, my TV, my instruments… ah, _CLODS!_ We got off-topic again!

C: It’s okay, Peridot. We can continue to talk about that other stuff too, if you want.

PDot: No, no… I’ll have to edit it all out anyways. Let’s go back to Sadie Killer. 

Sad: Um, well I can talk about the band some, but what about you? You said you played instruments?

PDot: That is an accurate assessment. From my research, they are almost all what you call ‘percussion’ instruments. Drum, tambourine, cymbals… I did have a saxophone, although I usually could only get one note out of that. My favorite was the triangle. So simple!

S: I’m glad you liked them Peridot! We could get you some new instruments if you want.

PDot: Hmm… perhaps. I am interested in this ‘violin’ Connie was speaking of. As a proficient engineer, I can appreciate the importance of refined technique.

Sad: _Oh!_ That reminds me of what I was going to say earlier. Oh, and Jamie, you’ll love this. It was when you - when Connie - was talking about how tedious some instruments are. My Mom - surprisingly - used to play the _harp_. I know, right?

S & J (simultaneous): _Whaaaaaaat?_

S: Barb the Mailwoman… Harp Enthusiast. Wow... Your Mom is so cool.

Sad: Uh, “cool?”

PDot: Wait, wait, what is this _harp_ you speak of?

S: Oh, right. That’s… uh, almost hard to explain. It’s like a big, big ukuele or guitar that you use both hands to play. It sits between your legs, I think?

Sad: Yeah. You should see her play it. It’s sort of crazy. 

PDot: Hmm… And it requires technique, like the violin? 

C: I’ve heard it’s even harder than violin.

Sad: It’s… definitely a challenge. I used to ask her to teach me when I was young, but it was too big and then I sorta lost interest.

J: _Your Mom still has it?!_ I must see her play!

PDot: _Challenge accepted!_

C & S: What?

PDot: I accept this “harp” as an adversary to overcome. I will master it.

Sad: I didn’t mean it like that…

PDot: Irrelevant! 

S: Um, Peridot, the harp is _really big…_

PDot: ...And?

C: It might be difficult for… you know…

J: Hey, people used to tell me all the time I couldn’t act. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them.

PDot: My thoughts exactly, thespian! If Steven and I can save the planet from ultimate destruction, then I can certainly learn to play this big ukulele.

S: It’s not… you know what? You’re right. I know you can do it, Peri.

Sad: I mean, my Mom would be thrilled to have an excuse to bring her’s out. She would probably teach you.

PDot: Then it’s settled! A successful podcast, if I say so.

J: Oh, we’re done?

C: It sounds like it.

PDot: This concludes another week of the PERI-cast! Thank you for tuning in Earthlings, and I end this transmission with a promise. I, Peridot, vow to be overcome over this harp and all the challenges it presents!

C: (chuckle) And I, Connie, will vow to support this cause!

S: Oh, me too! I, Steven, will vow to help Peridot however I can!

Sad: Huh? Oh, uh, okay. I, Sadie, will vow to… ask my Mom about it?

J: _AND I, JAMIE, VOW TO REPORT ON THE RESPLENDENCE OF THE SWEET MUSIC PRODUCED BY THE BUDDING FLOWER THAT IS --_

PDot: Please stop that.

 

* * *

 

The first week had been slow, but he assured her that was normal. Peridot had been surprised by how rewarding the validation was when people respond kindly to the show. There was a collective 50 listens (at least 10 of which were herself), but that meant around 40 people out there were interested in what she had to say and found the entertainment enjoyable.

She didn’t even know 40 people.

The comments were also really encouraging, and she felt proud by the variety and volume of the subject matter.

In fact, she had re-read them so many times, she memorized them.

 

First was @R_KeepBCWeird, who commented three times successively within the _first hour_ after she posted it. It took days for more comments to appear, but that had been a nice surprise.

  1. _“THE CRYSTAL GEMS!!! PODCAST! YESSSS IT’S TIME BABY. beach city just got even WEIRDER!”_
  2. _“THIS IS SO COOL. PLEASE LET ME BE ON THE SHOW! I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY”_
  3. _“Okay, initial reaction: really good but sort of slow. Also, other living C Gems: Bloodstone, Steven’s GF, and unconfirmed rainbow mineral. Sources redacted ofc!”_



 

Then, others started to trickle in as the days went on:

 

CuriaGapella writes:

_Great concept, wonderful execution- can't wait to see where you go with this!_

 

Malter writes:

_i love this and ily, ty_

 

RoreyMW:

_Can't wait to see future guests (I'm hyped if Peedee and Jeff actually end up on here, haha). Good stuff. Very good job._

 

After that, Peridot had scrambled to up the production quality of the show - she was beyond thrilled with the feedback. In fact, the day Connie had come over and given her the new headphones, she had a long and informative conversation on the nature of these other humans “Jeff” and “PeeDee.” Connie seemed reluctant, but assured Peridot she would ask them.

A voice interrupted her reflections, and she snapped to attention. “Alright, just a sec and I’ll be ready!”

Standing in the living room of the Killer house, Peridot shuffled her feet anxiously. She was already excitable after successfully uploading another week’s episode, going live on Rumblr, BookFace, TubeTube, Chipper, and uTunes. Steven had recommended she leave her tablet at the house, else she would constantly check for updates on views, likes, and comments.

“Alright,” the brawny woman patted a stool, indicating Peridot to sit down.

“So let’s get acquainted, and then you can get acquainted with the instrument. The name’s Barb Miller. I’m Sadie’s Mom.” She offered her hand to Peridot, which she accepted wordlessly.

“Mom, I already told her who you are.” Sadie was seated in the living room after having let Peridot into the house. The girl really couldn’t believe this was about to happen.

“Well, that’s all fine and good but a woman needs to make her own intro! So I’m Barb, and this here harp is Sally. She’s old, but she’s a great partner.”

“Wait, this instrument has sentience?” Peridot was alarmed by the prospect, leaning back in her stool.

Barb and Sadie exchanged a look, and Peridot added. “Is there a Gem powering it? That’s really not a very good idea. I know someone who… um, I _knew_ someone who was trapped in an object once, and it’s…”

Sadie, muttering her regrets, face palmed as her mom let out a bursting laugh.

“Oh no little friend! I just call her Sally. No ghost possessions here!”

Peridot blinked a few times, thoroughly confused. “Ghosts?”

“Now,” the woman ignored her, turning towards the harp. “It’s Peridot, right?”

“Correct.”

She nodded. “Now Peridot, each string makes a different sound…”

 


	3. Humanity, or: A Study in Irony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and some unfamiliar-yet-familiar guests talk humanity, life on Earth, fusion, love, and recount an embarrassing memory for Greg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to CoreyWW, E350, TheDoomkitten, and Ajora for helping me work through the comments on Peridot's "creative frustrations" ... if you're a fanfic writer, you totally know that feel.

Amethyst made a face as Peridot played her a recording of the harp on her tablet. Somewhere between a reflexive grimace and a strained smile, the purple gem tried to change the topic.

“So,” she began, hopping back onto the kitchen counter. “Garnet’s supposed to be here soon with your ‘special guests.’ Are you finally gonna tell me what all the mystery is about?”

Now it was Peridot’s turn to make a face, lowering her tablet and turning towards the front door. Steven and Connie were out in Beach City today, spending some human time together, so she planned the broadcast accordingly. Today would be the first “all-gem” recording, and Peridot was sincerely hoping things wouldn’t get too off-topic. Steven had a tendency to keep her focused on the subjects she prepared.

“Uh, it’s not a mystery exactly…” she moved towards the tech set-up she established in the living room and picked up her note cards. “It’s just that I wanted to keep things… um, ‘refreshing?’ Some of the comments last week pointed out things felt scripted. I don’t want that this time, so I want everyone to answer _organically._ Even if we’re inorganic, heh.” She snickered lightly at the human-pun, watching Pumpkin roll around in front of the warp pad.

Amethyst looked bemused for a moment before she joined in the laughter. “Al-right Peri. You’re taking this, like, _way_ serious. It’s kinda cool, you know? To see you find something you’re into that doesn’t revolve around… uh, revolve around _crops._ Yeah, crops.”

A little surprised by Amethyst’s sincerity and utterly aloof to her near-faux pas, Peridot felt her face warm slightly.

“W-well, thank you, Amethyst,” she answered with a little cough. Amethyst moved from the kitchen to the couch, sitting beside Peridot who stood completely stiff. They would be sharing a microphone today, but Amethyst was on her own for headphones.

“Tsk,” the purple gem responded, clicking her tongue. “Relax, P-Dot. It’ll be fine. The shows getting better every week.”

The green gem pursed her lips and set the cards down in a carefully stacked pile.

Almost as an afterthought, Amethyst added, “People’s stupid comments on the internet shouldn’t matter anyways.”

“Well, it matters to _me_.” Peridot replied with curtly, only to pause and sigh upon realizing her inappropriate tone.

“I’m sorry, Amethyst. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just… I feel like with the show gaining popularity, there’s all this pressure that goes with it. I mean, Steven said the same thing - almost all the comments are good, but there are some that are surprisingly… demanding? If that makes sense?”

“Demanding?” The word was echoed behind her on the couch, and Peridot chewed on her lip. She was considering just dropping the topic entirely, but there was only kindness in the violet eyes that met her own.

She ultimately shrugged and unlocked her tablet, opening uTunes to show Amethyst the evidence.

“Here, look.”

Peridot read a few responses robotically, scrolling through the list and nitpicking on the worst ones. “ _JetHiya: ⅖ Stars. I don’t really like when non-professionals try to teach the public about art. Sorta lessens the impact of the medium. Might get better overtime. It sorta defines cringe-comedy.”_

Lips pulled down at the corners, Amethyst was about to respond when Peridot read another.

“Okay, and this one. _The_Last_Red_October: it’s clear the host is trying really hard, which is cute. Would be better if character’s relationships were more clearly defined - is connverse a thing? It seemed like it from ep 2, but the way they completly forgot about CM in ep 1 makes me believe otherwise? ”_

Again, Amethyst opened her mouth to speak once the review was completed, but Peridot bulldozed through another one.

“ _Under9000-Juleka: Interesting subject. Execution could use some work._ ”

Amethyst leaned over Peridot’s shoulder, interrupting her line of vision. “Peri, seriously, stop that. Most of those were like, mixed-reviews at worst, some of them even seemed good, just like, phrased badly. I know I’m trash at putting words together."

Wrinkling her nose, Peridot nodded but replied in a sour tone, “Yes, I can acknowledge the content of the messages are both positive and negative... but it is frustrating! I put so many hours into both episodes, and it feels like that’s…. just not good enough. Am I doing something wrong?”

She was met with a huff of hot air as Amethyst flopped backwards, her hair balling up behind her as she decompressed into an idle lump against the pillows.

“Peridot, listen. You need to calm down about this. If the podcast is like, making you stressed, then it’s accomplishing the wrong thing.” Her tone was even, if not a little exasperated.

When Peridot opened her mouth to respond, Amethyst raised a hand to quiet her. “And besides, look,” she paused to lean forward and scroll a finger up and down the uTunes reviews.

“Look _how many_ of these are positive reviews. You’ve got five stars overall! That’s as many stars as there can be!”

The green gem’s face flickered with a tiny smile, so Amethyst continued.

“I don’t think it should matter to you what any of these nerds say, but if it does, then think about how many good things people are saying. Like this one, from…” she squinted, pronouncing the alphanumeric name with her best Pearl impression. Peridot laughed at that.

“ _C530bt_ says, ‘ _This is a wonderful idea, and I can't wait to see more of it! (I hope Greg comes on as a guest at some point. :D) I'm sure the host will get along just fine with the harp, she just needs practice. Keep up the good work!_ ’ Like it doesn’t get clearer than that, this dude obviously likes it. Although…” Amethyst paused, growing thoughtful for a moment. “If they really think good ol’ _Greg_ would be a good guest, then maybe they’re not the most trustworthy of sources. Let’s read another.”

Peridot bit her tongue, not bothering to tell Amethyst that she had already memorized what each comment said already.

“Okay, here we go. _Blatant_Behaviors_ says, ‘ _This is great, omlorg!_ ’ What does ‘omlorg even mean?” Amethyst stopped reading to snicker at that, and before Peridot could clarify the cyberslang, the purple gem kept reading.

“And she says, ‘Y _oooo, instruments! I play trombone._ ’ And she added a tongue face. Bleh!” Amethyst stuck her tongue out in imitation, and that made Peridot giggle in earnest.

“See? They even listened to your questions at the end. People are digging this, P-Dot.

“And there’s like, twenty of these comments from that weird friend of Steven’s that tried to become a gem. Uhh, Jeremy, I think. Something like that. I mean, _look_ at this!” Amethyst held the tablet out and pointed at the screen to demonstrate her point. She scrolled past 12 full-length comments, all affixed with this image as the corresponding avatar:

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

Amethyst turned the screen back to her, looking at the image with mixed disgust and amusement.

"Ugh," she added with a shudder.

At this, Peridot had to concede and reached out for her tablet. She hugged the device bodily, glad for her gift from Steven and the comfort of her friend.

“I know, you’re right… I think it’s just nerves. Today’s episode will be a little… unconventional.” Her brow knit together at that, and with most of her positive mood returned, her fellow Crystal Gem seemed thoroughly interested.

“Okay now you _have_ to fess up!” She sat up properly, a rarity for Amethyst.

“No need,” called a smooth voice from the front door. Garnet opened the screen and smiled at the pair sitting on the couch, and Pearl entered the house first.

“Hello you two,” the lithe gem said, setting down some groceries on the kitchen counter.

“Pfff,” interjected the purple gem, disappointed. “ _These_ are your _surprise_ guests? Real original.”

Peridot rolled her eyes at Amethyst’s teasing, but Garnet moved to the couch and settled back on the cushions and responded, grinning slyly.

“I think it’s going to be just great Peridot. Or, more to the point… _we_ think it will be just great.”

 

* * *

 

**Episode Three: Humanity, or: A Study in Irony**

**Today’s show will feature an all-star cast of Crystal Gems - pun absolutely intended! I am your host, Peridot, and we will be joined by Ruby and Sapphire, the two parts of the fusion that is The Garnet™, Pearl, and Amethyst. Thanks for listening and commenting, I really appreciate the feedback. Please find a transcript of today’s episode below!**

 

PDot: Alright, let’s get things going. The listeners should know you all… sort of, from episode one. Ruby, Sapphire, would you mind introducing yourselves?

S (calmly): Hello. I am Sapphire.

R (with an airy sigh): Hey, everybody. Ruby here!

S (giggles): Ruby, n-not now!

Rolling her eyes, Amethyst looked away and Pearl pretended not to notice the red gem kissing each one of the blue fingers that rested in her own.

Peridot, comparatively socially inept, watched intently.

PDot: And together, you make Garnet! So, viewers, keep --

Pearl: Well, actually, that’s not _exactly_ it, Peridot. You’ve never fused before, so it’s no surprise that it’s a little unclear...

A: I mean, she’s close enough.

R (grimacing): Sort of… just, let’s make it clear. We aren’t Garnet. I’m not Garnet, Sapphire isn’t Garnet. And it’s not even us being fused that makes us Garnet.

S (warmly): It’s our bond. Like Stevonnie, or Opal, both of whom you’ve met. The strength of the bond is what makes us Garnet.

Pearl, with a chuckle: Exactly. If I had to use any sort of human metaphor so that the listeners would get it, it’s sort of like… cooking, or baking. I know it’s something you’re… somewhat familiar with, right?

PDot: Yes, through observational study.

Pearl: Right. So, you take parts that aren’t alike, like flour and sugar, but when you combine them, you don’t get flour mixed with sugar. There’s a chemical component that goes on in baking, and it’s sort of that ‘extra’ step, the _reaction_ , that’s who a fusion is. Some work very well, and some are unpredictable, and some are pleasant…

PDot: And some are unpleasant. Like Malachite?

The four gems surrounding the table looked around uncomfortably, surprised that Peridot would bring such an uncomfortable topic up so early in the broadcast. She didn’t seem bothered, though, but genuinely interested in Pearl’s explanation.

R (jumping in after an awkward pause): Um - yeah, yeah. Like them. S-sorry, I didn’t mean to derail things, I just wanted to make it… straight, I guess.

A (completely serious): There’s nothing straight about it.

A quick burst of sound interrupts the broadcast, Ruby and Pearl’s voices flaring with scoldings as Sapphire was caught between blushing and stifling a giggle, holding her cheeks in her palms and lowering her head.

S (quietly picked up by the mic): Oh my _stars_ , Amethyst…

PDot (aloof): Uh, okay, well I think our listeners get the point. So let’s move on to today’s topic, shall we?

Pearl: Yes. Yes, let’s move on.

A: ... _drama._

S: You were going to ask us questions, Peridot?

PDot: Ah, yes. So I… had to change my arrangements on topics once I realized Steven would not be able to join us. I was planning on having he, Connie, and some other humans on today to speak about humanity.

R: Oh, _that’s_ why you called it irony. I get it!

S: Yes, Ruby, very good.

A: I don’t get it.

PDot: Well, as I was saying, we were going to have another human-centric episode _about_ humanity. I thought it seemed fitting. But, now we have no humans, and I didn’t have time to prepare any other topics… so let’s talk humans.

Pearl: Wonderful.

PDot: Isn’t it?! I thought it was clever. A study in irony!

Pearl: It’s… something alright.

S: I feel like we can speak on this, especially with Steven as such a big part of our lives. He’s really changed how we think about Earth.

A: ...Yeah, that’s fair actually. Greg, too.

Pearl: Mmmm… I suppose it is a bittersweet truth.

PDot: Bittersweet? How so?

Down the length of the couch, Ruby waved her hands back and forth and mouthed “ _nope nope nope,_ ” but Peridot was focused on Pearl, watching her expression harden.

Pearl: Well, it comes back to Rose, I suppose.

PDot: If you recall, listeners, we introduced Rose Quartz, Steven’s late mother, in the first episode.

A: P, you don’t have to...

Pearl: No, Amethyst, it’s… it’s okay. (Pearl pauses, lets out a slow sigh, and continues.) Rose lead the rebellion to protect organic life on this planet… I had always found the humans and other creatures… _interesting_ , but I… I didn’t think they alone were worth throwing away everything. I had my own reasons for fighting, but… this is embarrassing, I’m sorry, but I didn’t really do it for “humanity.”

PDot: Oh… um, I can edit this out, if you want. It might be a little hurtful to the listeners, since the fanbase is 99.5% human.

S (with a small smile): Let her finish.

Pearl: Thank you, Sapphire. It wasn’t until I - we - it wasn’t until _we_ lost Rose that I felt like it started to make sense. It took years, but raising Steven...

R (interrupts, though politely): It was life-changing, wasn’t it? (She stops to laugh a little, but her voice quickly becomes serious). I know exactly what you mean, Pearl. I fought for Sapphire, and for us, and for Garnet, and for freedom. But humans were… they were important, but their safety was like… a lucky side-benefit to what we were doing.

S: Even with future vision, I don’t think any of us could have foreseen the lesson in humanity that came with Rose’s sacrifice.

PDot: ...W-wow. That’s… I don’t really know what to say. The questions I have prepared feel really superficial compared to this. I guess let’s just keep going, if that’s okay?

A (after a slow sigh): Okay. I feel a little off, if I’m being honest, you know? I wasn’t here for the war, so my view of humans came like, way way later. I didn’t know anything else besides Rose, you guys, and humans for a long time. I get what you’re saying, but it was different for me.

PDot: I… hmm, well, that is sound logic. None of you - even Sapphire and Ruby - could have the same expectations for the relative value you arbitrate to human life. Or the way you value anything, for that matter. It’s all subjective.

Pearl (a bit bemused): I’m impressed, Peridot. I never thought subjectivity would be your sort of thing.

PDot: It’s not. Just an observational statement reflecting the reality of the situation.

A: Yeah, that sounds more like the Peri we know… So… what do _you_ think of humanity, Peri? How do define it?

R (aside): Are we allowed to ask the host questions?

Across the table, Pearl and Sapphire exchanged a glance and shrugged simultaneously. Peridot didn’t seem to mind the question, but she took a moment to answer.

PDot: Well… I was trying to reason that out when you started explaining, Pearl. I’ll be honest… I was expecting my conversation with the humans to be about, ‘what do you like to do as a human?’ or ‘what is your favorite human activity?’ I didn’t expect to really think about _humanity_ in the abstract, but now that we’re on the topic…

R: Sounds like _somebody’s_ stalling!

PDot: No! No, it’s not that! It’s more like, uh, how do I… I will second the sentiment from Amethyst, I suppose. My idea of “humanity” is severely rendered by my short time on Earth. I feel like I have more to learn before I can rightfully try to describe something I can’t ascribe to.

A: Is that what my sentiment said? Dang, I’m good.

Pearl: Don’t worry yourself over it. I can’t speak for Ruby or Sapphire, but that would be like trying to define wind.

PDot (following a pause): _wind_ , noun. 1. The perceptible natural movement of…

Pearl: That’s not what I meant.

S: I think Pearl is trying to say, it’s not something you can look up on your tablet. It’s okay to have a difficult time with it, though not because it’s something we can’t ascribe to, as you pointed out. No one can actualize a feeling.

A: Okay, you lost me a little there… _actualize_ a feeling? Like, cry when your sad?

Sapphire titled her head to one side thoughtfully, considering how best she could explain _how_ something was unexplainable. It was a little dizzying, even for her.

R: Oh, I know. Okay. Think of something you love. Something or someone you really love.

PDot: Wait, me?

R: Both of you - all of you! Just do it. Close your eyes if you have to - think of someone or something. Visualize them.

Sapphire looked to her side and admired her partner, realizing where she was going with this. Blue fingers wrapped around red ones quietly, and Ruby continued.

R: Okay. Now, don’t say anything, but if you had to describe them, think of a few words. I’ll go since mine’s obvious, just so you guys can get an idea. She’s blue, and soft, and more compassionate than anyone I’ve ever met.

P: (sniffles)

A (aside): _Are you crying?_

PDot: Shh!

R: I love her, but you all know Sapphire. She’s _more_ than just those things, right? I could list everything about her that is amazing, and it still wouldn’t be enough. And I’m not just saying that as a hopeless romantic.

A: Which you most definitely _are_.

R: No, it’s like… something is just lost when I try to ‘actualize’ it, like Sapphy said. I could never do the feelings justice with just words, or even actions, because it’s something that I feel _here._

Pearl (whisper): We’re doing an audio only show…

R: Oh - oh, right! I was pointing to my gem. But for humans I guess it’s your heart.

PDot: Okay… that was, actually very nice. Thank you, Ruby. And…

S: You’re wondering what it has to do with the topic at hand?

A: Frankly, I’m wondering that too.

PDot: If you don’t mind explaining…

R: So our appreciation for humanity, like we were talking about? It’s okay that it’s hard to explain, because even if you tried, something would fall through the cracks. You couldn’t --

A: _OH!_

A rustling sound of fallen microphone distorted the voices, quickly restored after a few seconds by the host.

PDot: Sorry, sorry. What was so startling, Amethyst? You about knocked me over when you jumped up.

Pearl: ...Amethyst? Are you okay?

A: Uhhh… yeah, no, no I’m… I’m good. Sorry, I just feel like it all clicked into place. I realized something…

S: The point is, humanity and gems were never meant cohabitate, let alone understand one another. We are simply too different in design, but, Rose didn’t see it that way. By coincidence, neither did Greg.

R: ...And Steven is the thing that bridges our two worlds - we don’t understand him perfectly…

Pearl: But we don’t have to. And that’s okay.

PDot: Huh. I feel like I… I feel like I understand, at least, a little better. I guess I’m just a little… a little surprised. I never thought about Steven like that.

A: He got _you_ to want to stay on Earth, didn’t he? Heck, I’d be surprised if he couldn’t persuade Blue Diamond to run away to Earth.

Pearl: A-Amethyst! That’s a…

Before Pearl could properly vocalize her disapproval of Amethyst’s ever-crass comedy, Peridot started to laugh and laugh and _laugh_. She giggled so much she had to lean back against the couch, so her voice sounded distant in the recording. Ruby and Sapphire soon joined in, heads turned towards each other and snickering like they were sharing some private joke. Even Pearl couldn’t resist, and she cracked a smile towards Amethyst which made the purple gem beam.

They laughed until some tears were shed, and then they laughed a little more.

PDot: O-okay, phew. I’m going to edit that down. That was one of the funniest images I’ve ever heard. I mean, could you imagine? Blue Diamond _living on Earth_? What would we do? Where would we even put her!

R: Oh stars, that’s hilarious.

A: I do what I can.

Pearl: So what now? Is that it?

PDot: Umm… let me check the time.

After shuffling around some of her microphones and notes and flicking through her tablet, Peridot audibly groaned when she realized how little time had passed.

PDot: I actually have a whole twenty more minutes budgeted. I guess we can go back to my notes now that that’s all done with? H-hey, give that back!

A (flipping through the notecards): Boring. N-ope. Nope. Definitely not. Forget this, P-Dot. I have an idea. Hold on…

 

* * *

 

 

**PERI-NTERLUDE**

**Hi folks - this is Peridot, your host. This is our first time doing an intermission in the show, because this week we got our first sponsor! I was really surprised when Fish Stew Pizza reached out and wanted to do an advertising spot, but hey, they’re** **Steven Universe’s** **favorite place to get pizza for a reason! Nobody likes a square pizza, so come to Fish Stew Pizza, always round, always fresh! Not only do they have… uh, cheese and pepper and oni, but they have speciality flavors that taste like the sea. Mmm, that must be... salty? Salty. Yeah.**

 

* * *

 

PDot: Okay, we’re recording again… Hi everybody, sorry if you hear a little echo, we had to move our microphones. I’ve never tested the sound in here…

R: No one has ever been here before.

PDot: Ever?

O: Ever.

…

O: Oh, hi, I’m Opal, by the way.

S: It’s been so long since we’ve seen you.

O: You’re telling me. But yes, this is… my room. I usually don’t have a need for it, so no one has been here except for me.

PDot: It’s… really amazing. It almost looks like the Cluster.

O (smirking): Thanks, I guess?

R: Can you clarify for everyone? Technically only you and Steven have actually _seen_ the cluster.

PDot: Right, right. So the Cluster is this giant, massive fus--

O: Maybe just explain what it _looks_ like?

PDot: Um, okay. So the room we’re in is inside the Crystal Temple, headquarters of the Crystal Gems. It’s… iridescent, like the inside of a rainbow. Every surface shines with different colors. It reminds me of the kaleidoscope app I have on my tablet, in a way, but it’s huge.

O: ...You… have a kaleidoscope app?

PDot (shrugging): Lapis liked it.

S: Go on, Peridot.

PDot: Right, so… there’s lots of jagged stone surfaces, like the inside of a subterranean cave.

R: Right, right. Like Amethyst’s room.

O: Mmm.

PDot: But there are these really pretty pools of water that expand outwards. It feels like we’re in the middle of the ocean, but the water is made of paint or crayons. It really is pretty, um, Opal.

S: Thank you for sharing. Although, Steven is going to be jealous when he listens.

O: I thought about that… But not much we can do about it now. Do you want to talk about something now, given the change of “scenery?”

PDot: Did you just wink at me?

O: Yes. It’s less subtle when you announce it, though.

R & S can be heard laughing quietly.

PDot: Right, so, this brings up some interesting things about the Temple, but given the focus of today’s episode being humanity… Have any humans come into the Temple? (Also, when am I going to get my own room?)

R: What was that last part?

PDot: _Have-any-humans-come-into-the-Temple?_

S: Yes. Steven, although he is half-human, can open Rose’s room. Connie and he have spent time in there together, and Greg has been in the Temple a handful of times.

O: Oh, I forgot about that. Greg coming here was actually pretty amusing.

PDot: Greg is Steven’s father, by the way.

O: ...w-we know. Oh, _oh_ you mean for the listeners. Hah!

S & R share another moment of laughter, and Peridot joins in.

PDot: So what was so amusing about Steven’s father visiting the Temple?

R: Do you want to…?

S: Yes, I suppose I should. It’s my fault, really.

O: If we’re being honest… it was Rose’s fault, but…

S: It’s not that long of a story. Just, Greg came by looking for Rose one day. He showed up early, to surprise her with a bouquet.

O (aside, to Peridot): That’s supposed to be a romantic gesture for humans…

PDot: Actually, I know that one - Camp Pining Hearts.

S: And we knew he was going to be there, and Garnet had a… “feeling” he might be too curious for his own good. So we opened the Burning Room and left the door open.

PDot: And I’m guessing he came in?

R: Oh, he did more than that.

Opal can be heard giggling slightly, and Peridot looks between the unfamiliar-familiar trio with a confused scowl.

PDot: Meaning?

S: We didn’t expect him to get so close to the lava…

PDot: _Oh no_.

R: Oh yes.

O: Of course, Greg was fine, as you know. But the Burning Room is one of the most dangerous places in the Temple.

S: He burned his hair. A lot of it.

R: There’s a period where you can’t find _any_ photos of Greg, cause he refused to be in front of a camera until it grew back. Man, it was funny. I mean… at the time, it was scary and we felt really bad!

O: ...But it _was_ pretty funny.

PDot: ... _stars_ , that is scary! I don’t see how you stand to have such long hair, it’s really unnecessary. That goes for you too, Amethyst, and Sapphire.

Opal shrugged, but Ruby nodded in agreement.

O: Pearl feels the same way, but, sometimes everything isn’t about utility. Especially not on Earth. We like some things just because they are.

PDot: An example?

R: What about plushie green aliens with bowties? Hmm?

PDot: Okay, _that’s_ different! There _is_ a utility for Mnsr. Fancy. He provides a conversational partner for practicing social interactions.

O: Did… did you just tell your listeners that you talk to your dolls?

PDot: Okay, podcast over. Nope!

S: I didn’t know he was French.

O: Heh, adieu!

R: With a bowtie like that, are you surprised?

PDot: BYE EVERYBODY LISTEN TO US NEXT WEEK!

…

PDot: Hi everyone, Peridot here. Post-production edit I wanted to make… given the, um, _direction_ of the conversation, Garnet and/or Sapphire was unable to make a prediction for next week’s episode. She informed me that the clue is “the guests will be protective, but not in the way you might expect.” ...Yeah, I also have no idea what it means. Oh well! ‘Til next week!

 

* * *

 

“And… just one more thing…” Peridot was sitting at the kitchen counter besides Steven, who was thoroughly pouting in Pearl’s direction. The gem slipped on her headphones while he begged for the umpteenth time to hang out with Opal.

With a quiet grumble, Peridot re-played her post-production message again, only recorded a few minutes ago. She had nearly forgotten about the whole segment until Connie pointed it out,for which the short gem was thankful. The girl and Garnet were seated somewhere behind her, on the couch chatting quietly.

The day was nearly over and Peridot knew she would have to put away her electronics when Steven went to bed. She had taken to resting when Steven slept, partially not to disturb him but also to reinforce Steven’s advice, many months ago.

 _Working hard is important, but feeling good is important too_ . Cuddling with Pumpkin in the base of the shower _did_ feel good, so she didn’t mind the habitual sleeping pattern of humans once she adjusted to it herself.

At the barn, she and Lapis did not abide by any such schedule. Lapis would stay up well past the stars, watching Camp Pining Hearts or reading or playing with Pumpkin. There hadn’t been anyone out there to bother them or that required them to order their activities around, but here was different.

Peridot put the final touches on the video and began the slow and torturous uploading process, waiting for the files to transfer from one program to another. This episode was longer than the one’s previous, and she expected this trend to hold now that she had been getting sponsorships. Next week would have another new sponsor, as well as a “guest announcement,” although she hadn’t worked out the details on that exactly. She still had a few days until it would be time to record again, so she could figure it out.

“Annnnnnd, done!”

Rubbing her eyes beneath her visor, the green gem turned around to look at the quiet room and was met with smiles and encouraging words. She crossed her fingers that this episode might be another success, but if not, that was okay. She was okay.


End file.
